Fake Game Friday:
Colossus Crossing!!

Alright, if we’re gonna make fake games we might as well go off the deep end: Sony and Nintendo has collaborated for the first time ever to bring a game to both of their systems that merges two of their better selling games of the past. This is the moment all the Ico theories will be laid to rest… Shadow of the Colossus had nothing to do with Ico, and a direct sequel IS in store for SotC. Our Destructoid inside sources have found the early traces of PS2 and LameCube’s last big hit of the future. We present to you… Colossus Crossing. Awww look at that poor purple panda thing! Shoulda saved up more bells to build a bigger gate, you freaky puppet people! What did you expect? The colossi had to go somewhere, they couldn’t just stay and let their species continue to be the victims of genocide thanks to you heartless gamers. Naturally an Animal Crossing was their first choice. This time it’s about revenge – eventually the game’s main goal is to use your colossal black sperm to ejaculate the future generations of colossi across the land and reestablish your dominance. We’ve already reviewed the game a full year before you’ll ever see it in stores, including its awesome Sound of Music remixed soundtrack. Read on for the full review.In this game you play as all the different surviving colossi – only a few made it out alive, so your choices are limited. The feature that makes this game interesting is that this time the colossi have a sword of their own that you use to shine beacons at the nearest freaky animal village going about its day. All that’s left to do then is hunt down the town and demolish it like the best of katamari experts. There’s already a DS Lite expansion game in the works that will let you randomly jump into nearby Wi-Fi Animal Crossing villages and wreak havoc on people playing around your city in real life. I can’t wait to see a tournament that involves driving through New York City on a Wi-Fi rampage.Presentation: 9/10Not many people can enjoy fishing or collecting fruit and artifacts all day in the kiddy universe of Animal Crossing. But who can’t appreciate a 20 ton colossus crushing creepy bipedal animals that give children under the age of 5 nightmares? Graphics: 8/10This game was actually made as direct competition for Rare’s Viva Pinata for the Xbox 360, so besides the high poly colossi the rest of the game retains its Animal Crossing graphics. But to steal some of their target audience Nintendo has added in a candy physics engine, so that every animal you kill spews Snickers from their eyes. This works well because the candy only attracts their other greedy neighbors and before you know it you get mauled by 100s of critters until the murder spree reaches levels of candy that are worthy of Halloween year round.Sound 10/10When Destructoid interviewed the makers of Colossus Crossing they revealed that the inspirations for the fugly Animal Crossing creatures were the nightmares that the movie ‘Sound of Music’ gave them as children. But the puppet scene before the Von Trapps go to bed didn’t just influence the game’s graphics, it also inspired them to remix the Sound of Music soundtrack with updated tracks such as a the last (16th) colossus from SotC singing “I am sixteennnn going on seventeennn” and Animal Crossing townsanimal symphonies rejoicing with:”Snickers on corpses of dead puppies and kittens,Big scary colossus with 2 ton stone club mittens,Animal Crossing filled with Colossi killings,These are a few of my least favorite things”Gameplay : 9/10First you pillage a town to ruins, then all that’s left to do is piss on the village to flood away the remains. Upon doing this a spastic stream of black sperm things fly out of your penis just like they did in SotC and you level up to see your colossus grow larger in size, as well as give birth to a baby colossus that will now follow you around and level up with you. Now you’re ready to take on even larger cities! Eventually you run into other colossi in the process of raping a city of their own, but colossi are no different than humans – have your kiddy colossies gang up on those fuckers and help your genes spread across the land. Don’t forget – whoever jacks off on the Animal Crossing people gets to level up, so it’s personal. It isn’t long before you have half a dozen colossi trailing behind your candy filled footsteps and growing hair on their body that will one day be their ‘goddamn liabilities.’Lasting Appeal : 10/10With a colossal sized family tree to pursue, and countless Wi-Fi DS victims walking around town, I don’t see myself putting this game down any time soon. Supposedly there are 17 different levels in the PS2/GC game. We have only played to level 13 so far and are currently flying around the animal crossing globe with the kiddy colossi on our backs in search of the fourteenth town to decimate. Can’t wait to see that legendary 17th colossus though!Total Score: 8.8 / 10I hoped you enjoyed my messed up insane idea for a game – don’t forget to comment or email in you own awesome or hilarious dream fake game ideas – if we think they kick ass we’ll make a game cover (with your name on it) for your idea and write up a review for everyone to see and read. We look forward to what you crafty bastards can come up with!!!!!ALSO – Anyone out there know how to code an actual video game? We’d love to play one of the crazy game ideas we come up with, so let us know what coding languages you know. See yuh next week!