All harken to my cry. A good many of you sent in your ten commandments for the chance to win one of five copies of Codemasters’ Overlord for PC, along with some mystery items I’ve been promised. I’ve finally read through them all and have picked the five winning entries, which are posted for your reading pleasure after the jump. Big congratulations to all who won, and to those who lost, please proceed to tell me how much I suck and how I deserve to die in a swamp.
Winners, please email me once again at jim@destructoid.com with your address details. I shall then give them to Codemasters who will ship your prizes to you. Please try and get your details by Monday night so I have time to get things sorted for you. Thanks to all minions who contributed.
First winner is Yashoki, with one commandment so good it was worth commanding twice, apparently:
1) Thou shall make me a sandwich, bitch.
2) Thou shall make yellow vans explode merely because you can.
3) Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam. Come on and slam, if you wanna jam.
4) All Englishmen, regardless of gender, age, or eyesight condition are to wear a Monocle.
5) Cliché Commandment goes here.
6) Thou shall not covet your neighbor’s Toys R Us copy of Bioshock…not matter how sweet the game looks.
7) Thou shall do it for the lulz.
8) Thou shall make yellow vans explode merely because you can.
9) Thou shall pronounce Mario correctly.
10) Thou shall know who the f*ck Jim Sterling is.
Second winner goes by the name of Alex Lifschitz, mostly for commandment VIII:
I. Kill the men, take the women, enslave the children. Leave the fudge.
II. Dear god, stay away from the spiderbots.
III. Don’t take any Nintendo products you may find in the wreckage, they’ll just release a cooler version in a few months, and all the other overlords are gonna be all “Dude, you should have f*cking waited, man, you’re missing out!” And I’ll be all angry and just eat a lot to compensate.
IV. On second thought, take the fudge.
V. The Overlord is right because the Overlord says he’s right, and if he says he’s right, than he must be right.
VI. All insolence will be dealt with via boot to the head.
VII. I am the one true Overlord. You shall worship only me. (Niel Peart can substitute in a pinch.)VIII. F*ck Commandment VIII, nobody liked Rinoa anyways.
IX. The below commandment is true.
X. The above commandment is also true. See, motherf*ckers?! Bet you weren’t expecting THAT!
XI. This commandment is here for organizational purposes, seeing as how arrays start at the zero integer. See, I’m a considerate Overlord!
Our third victor is SPJGlitches:
1. I am SPJglitches, thy Lord.
2. Thy Lord’s words are always true.
3. If thy Lord’s words are false, refer to Commandment #2.
4. Thou shalt giveth thy Lord daily sexual pleasure.
5. Thou shalt giveth thy Lord more sexual pleasure once thou art finished.
6. Thou shalt not dress as thy Lord for cosplay.
7. Thou shalt not reference 300.
8. Thou shalt not Rickroll.
9. Honor thy left and right testicles.
10. Honor thy cocks, also.
Terry Beisiegel takes the fourth winning slot. Are these people community members? Sign up if not. That’s MY commandment:
All of these Commandments shall be followed on pain of sodomy… and a year’s worth of foot massages for your overlord.
1) Thou shalt rock the shit 24-7
2) Thou shalt fetch the Overlord cheeseburgers whenever he so commands
3) Thou shalt not touch the Overlord’s saved games and profile.
4) Thou shalt do the Hustle whenever your Overlord tells you to “boogie down.”
5) Thou shalt stay in school, and not do drugs.
6) Seriously
7) Thou shalt spank the ass of whomever speaks ill of your overlord… and put them in a dress… and call them Shelly… also, makeup.
8) Thou shalt listen to rock all day, everyday, with the exception of our daily “Hour of Enya.”
9) Thou shalt… uhh… do whatever your overlord says, when he says, or face the wrath of his… mother.
10) Thou shalt have a 15 minute break every two hours, and have a half-hour “meal break” every 4 hours, because overlord cares. :3
I had more commandments referencing sexual intercourse with hot women than I care to remember, but for out and out chauvinism, Steven Mills wins some Overlord:
1. The first commandment of Teh World is you do not talk about Teh World.
2. The second commandment of Teh World is you DO NOT talk about Teh World.
3. Thou shalt not perform sexual pleasures with me wife.
4. Thou shalt not perform sexual pleasures with me girlfriend.
5. Thou shalt perform sexual pleasures with me if asked.
6. Thou shalt not perform sexual pleasures in public unless between two or more females.
7. Thou shalt not ask why they shall not perform sexual pleasures with my wife or girlfriend, or why they must perform sexual pleasures with me if asked.
8. Thou must be good at sexual pleasures.9. Thou must know how to do a barrel roll.
10. Thou shall not ask why they must know how to do a barrel roll.
Congratulations, you five.
