AGRAA ORS TABA ORD AVAVAGO!
I’m not entirely sure what year it is. Is it 2015? That’s what I keep hearing around the internet. I’m pretty sure it’s still 2014, at least for a few more days though. Who can be sure in tumultuous times like these?
Anyway, I can barely remember what I did yesterday or what happened on the last episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show I watched before the holiday break. So it’s probably superfluous to attempt to recall every single game I played this year and rank how much I enjoyed each one.
So here’s an attempt at diving deep into the dozens of games I played this year. I’m pretty sure I enjoyed a lot of them, but Wikipedia is failing me and GoDaddy doesn’t save the changes sent to the server when I save my “recent articles” page on my portfolio hosted on WordPress, so I’m not even really sure what all came out this year. But I know which one was my favorite. It’s Bayonetta 2, actually, because it’s the only game I favored over sleep. And when I’m nearly fetishizing sleep at this point in my life and a game can hold my attention so long that I’ll forgo resting in order to strike down just one more boss and get maybe 3.5 hours of sleep for my day job, it’s something special.
So yeah, my games of 2014. Y’all betta werk.
Best Game For #1 Handsy Boys: Tomodachi Life
I quit playing this life sim when I realized there was no real endgame despite how much I enjoyed its day-to-day moments and I’d never accomplish anything beyond creating a Josh Homme Mii or making a baby with my in-game and IRL boyfriend. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I’m sure everyone is either really angry with each other now or rotting away in their diminutive apartments, having died of starvation because they can’t fend for themselves, despite how close the store is to their dwelling place.
Runner-Up: Trying to Figure Out Why Sailor Moon Crystal had Such Terrible Art
I think I spent a few hours trying to decipher this game’s objectives, but gave up shortly after.
Best Racing Game That I Raced In: Mario Kart 8
I feel like if you don’t get why Mario Kart 8 is a good game at this point, you probably never will. Would you look at that? Just look at it. I always use Rosalina, because I feel like her emo swoop, like Red Bull, gives me wings. Actually, I don’t drink Red Bull. It’s disgusting and gives me little or no caffeine buzz, possibly because I’m addicted to caffeine. I do quite enjoy using the Wii U’s Game Pad for 15-minute gaming sessions, since that’s about how long the battery lasts.
Runner-Up: Deciding Against Preordering amiibo That Later Were Extremely Difficult to Procure
I should have just gone ahead and preordered every single one of them. Instead, I spent long, sleepless nights trolling r/amiibo looking for a silver lining in the ominous cloud that is being a purveyor of useless Nintendo crap. I can’t help it. They’re cute. I won’t even open them, because they’re going to pay for my non-existent future childrens’ college fund. Just kidding. They’ll sit pretty on my shelf and I’ll continue to hoard them. And I’ve got Shulk on lock. Don’t even play.
Best Baby Game: Disney Magical World
There’s no shame in running errands for Mickey and Minnie, especially when you get stickers and outfits for doing so. Donald Duck is a straight up gangsta in this game, too. He stands by that little fishing hole all day waiting for something to bite, but I know from experience that he’s only ever going to encounter the same three or four fish over and over. I wish there would have been some way to integrate this game with Disney Infinity, but I know they’re all completely different developers and whatnot.
Between you and me, this was much more fun than Infinity ever seemed — but maybe it’s because I’m not a Marvel fan and all I ever wanted to do was get Elsa’s figure. I also wanted Sulley from Monsters, Inc. but it’s impossible to grab a solo version without buying the crystal version. And those are just lame, boring crystal reprints of figures that are already out.
Runner-Up: Singing out of Tune to Every Song that Came on Spotify While Writing This
Right now it’s “Wrecking Ball.” A few minutes ago it was “We Can’t Stop.” It relieves a lot of stress, especially when it’s 1:11 AM. I recommend going through Britney’s discography for this purpose, honestly. You already know all the words, and you don’t have to throw in a “yeah” on the offbeat to try and turn every song you’re ruining into a rap song.
Best JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Game: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle
ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA.
(Check out my review here, you bunch of roundabouts. It wasn’t perfect, but I had a lot of fun.)
Best PlayStation Game I Previously Had to Jump Through Hoops to Play, so I Never Did Except for That One Time and a Few Others: Vib-Ribbon
There are things that happen in life sometimes that you can’t control, like wishing extremely hard that you could purchase something but just can’t. Like, you’ve got money in hand and want so badly to purchase a good, but for whatever reason you just can’t. It’s like walking into an Apple Store and asking to buy an item and being put on a waiting list with a bunch of caterwauling miscreants who got there before you and being told “I’d love to help you out, but there are other people who have been here waiting about 20 minutes, so as soon as it’s your turn I’ll get you taken care of.”
With games that don’t simply come out in your region (save from importing and going to a lot of trouble, which I had to end up doing most of the time) you can’t tell the Apple employee that you already know what you want and have cash in-hand to buy in a manner that clearly communicates that you’re not just some schmuck looking to peruse their parade of overpriced (yet deliciously luxurious) products and are a Real Man. You just have to hope the game gets imported so you don’t have to mod your console or buy a brand new one. Or emulate it. Sony made Vib-Ribbon available for me this year, and now it’s the classic that every blogger gets to pretend they’d heard about or cared about writing features for before when they only got interested because it was Buzzworthy™.
Runner-Up: Keeping my Opinions on Controversial Topics to Myself on Various Social Media Channels
I’m a nobody who writes about games. I don’t need to share any of that. Getting involved is a wicked game to play.
Best Reason to Put Family Guy on for Ambient Noise Because I’m too Scared to be in my Own Apartment in the Dark at Night After Playing: P.T.
It may have been a demo, but it sure did trump nearly everything else I played this year. I think they’re going to ruin it with some episodic nonsense or whatever, which is really just a bad idea. Let me tell you how much I retain of Telltale’s games after I complete an episode when it’s time to dive into the next one: Nothing at all. I just get irrationally angry when I have to wait for the next installment.
Runner-Up: TWIN PEAKS IS COMING BACK OH MY GOD
Oh my god. Oh, oh my god. I’m so hot right now.
Best Reason to Forgo Sleep: Bayonetta 2
You may have heard that Bayonetta is an inspirational single mother or some other nonsense like that, and that is absolutely true. She’s a hard-working mom who takes good care of Cereza despite the fact that Enzo doesn’t pay child support. I think that’s an admirable quality in a strong female character, too. Her son Loki (by Luca) may be a bit of a troublemaker, but she reveals a surprising amount of grace with every interaction where Loki is concerned. It’s heartwarming, and an inspiration to me as a woman who enjoys video games.
Runner-Up: Realizing None of the Above is True When You Actually Play the Game and I Made all of it up for Comic Effect
Bayonetta 2 is perfection. Actually, take away the weird motion comic-styled cut scenes, and then it’d be perfection.
You don’t control the lithe and lethal Umbra Witch so much as become her, chaining together a mixture of buttery-smooth combos and over-the-top moves that feel as natural as your very own movements. It’s a joy to watch the action unfold onscreen, and even more so to participate. From every Wicked Weave attack to the punishments that rain down upon the unsuspecting Angels, it’s clear that excellence oozes out of every single pore.
Gorgeous level design, insane boss battles, and a wide array of costumes and unlockables combine to make Bayonetta 2 one of the greatest games of this console generation, and the best this year had to offer. You don’t f*ck with a witch.
That’s 2014. I also enjoyed Pokémon: Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire as well as the Senran Kagura games. I played a lot of World of Warcraft this year too, or really, near the end of the year. So yeah.
