Will Smith (back when he was a non-threatening hip hop artist, instead of a non-threatening movie star) released a song called Summertime along with the Robin-to-his-Batman, DJ Jazzy Jeff (who you might remember from Will Smith’s sitcom, and absolutely nothing else). It was an urban ballad to the joys of summer. The cook outs, the 40’s of malt liquor, the fly-a@# b*tches in thongs… no, wait… that was Dr Dre’s Let Me Ride. Hell…
Ok, so Summertime is really easily forgettable, and it may or may not have actually been about the summer time, but it brings me to a good point; summer has arrived.
The sun is out, flowers are blooming, giant insects are eating our children and the elderly are dying with impunity. While it may seem terrifying after 10 months of utter, Siberian darkness filled with kindly yetis and even more kindly St Bernards, I’m here to help you get through this rough, shiny, happy, deadly time.
Here are a few pointers to help you make it through.
- Your skin is only as protected as the sunblock you are wearing. Most people think that using a sunblock rated at 15SPF or 30SPF is a reasonable way to avoid the pain of a sunburn and to gain a healthy glow. Those people are wrong. DEAD WRONG. Thanks to global warming, anything less than 75SPF or roofing tar is going to give you a malignant tumor the size of a Volvo. That tumor might go on to become the President of the United States one day, but that’s still no reason to coddle it.
- Insects are not our friends. Given the opportunity, they would kill you and everyone you love. Don’t coddle them with “scented candles” that merely put them in the mood for lovin’. You may as well be playing Al Green to ward them off. Instead, burn your lawn. It might make your yard look like Vietnam on a particularly bad day, but you’ll also be rid of any pesky arthropods that had designs on your throat. BONUS: Your neighbors will respect you for your take-no-prisoners approach to pest control. If they don’t, burn them as well.
- 40’s should only be consumed by adults over the age of 21. This rule does not apply to rap stars, athletes, or Zombie Billy Carter.
- Sand is sentient! Ever wondered why you always seem to get sand in your vagina when you go to the beach? Ever wondered why you seem to have a vagina even though you’re a guy? Yeah, that’s the work of sand. Scientists recently discovered that 86% of all sand actually functions according to the will of the Hive Mind, a giant, robotic robot that resembles a granite cliff face. The other 14% of sand is made up of crushed syringes and heroin.
- Heat can kill you too. Imagine you’re having a picnic with your family. Your kids are frolicing, your wife is doing something inane and the anthropomorphic sun is shining down on you from above, it’s warm tendrils of sunlight caressing you like a lover you stole money from. Well, did you know that those tendrils can also be used to strangle you? Yes! They can! This process is called ‘Heat Stroke’ and as much as it sounds like a sexy form of epilepsy, it’s a brutal killer. The only known antidote? Water, and avoiding anthropomorphic suns.
It’s my sincere hope that these tips will help you to survive what may very well be your final days. God speed.
Ron Workman:
Halo 3, and that new car game on XBLA. Thats it. Ohh, Lawsuit dodger 5000 has been a blast. I watched Linde touch a kitten inappropriately last week. With all thats going on with Dtoid, I havent had time to play. We need to get Niero to play games also. He has been working so much on Community Blogs that he no play no games meng.
Nick “Brutal” Chester:
I’m still playing through Spider-Man 3 on the Xbox 360. I’m not really enjoying it, but I don’t hate it enough to stop playing. I’m determined to see it through until the end — I will see see Venom, God damn it, even if it’s only for 12 seconds.
I’ve also been playing the Warhawk beta which, when it’s not freezing my PlayStation 3, has been a lot of fun. Heads and legs have been ripped off while playing Mortal Kombat: Armageddon on the Wii. Finally, my DS is seeing Sega’s Feel The Magic, thanks to Goozex user who goes by the name of “Gray Wolf.”
Oh, and I’m still playing Manhunt (Xbox), but my progress has been stalled because I’m — what are the words I’m looking for here — oh, that’s right … getting bored with it.
Nexysnaps:
I spent the entire week kayaking through the Bering Strait. It’s strange how many people know Russian up there …
Dick McVengeance:
Hold it! Phoenix Wright 2 just appeared on my doorstep, so there goes a lot of my free time from now on. Other than that, I’m slowly chugging through Super Paper Mario. I hate it when you’re on level 99 of the pit of 100 trials, and something randomly kills you, thus wasting the last hour of your life.
Colette Bennett:
One game for the past week: PUZZLE QUEST. Oh God this game is so addictive, I can’t even find the words to describe it. Little doses of crack!!!
hushgush:
ZOMG FORZA 2!! CAN’T TALK NOW, RACING, LEAVE MESSAGE PLZ KTHX!
At the tone, record your message. When you are finished, you may hang up, or find me on XBL for mulitplayer options.
Aaron Linde:
I’m playing Butt-Raped By Finals IV: The Reckoning.
Rev Anthony:
I’m “playing” Seaman, as much as any person can actually play a virtual pet simulator narrated by Leonard Nimoy.I’m also playing Gitaroo Man on the side, and I’ve become hopelessly addicted to Urban Dead, despite the fact that I absolutely hated it about a week ago.
Jim Sterling:
A few hours of Mario Strikers. Oh, and maybe three minutes of Super Mario Bros. 3. Yeah, it’s been a bad, bad week for video gaming.
Niero:
A good friend of mine gave me Rampage for the Wii. The game has little depth but when you get for people in a room its a lot of fun. For example, the quickest way to break a building is to climb to the top and pound down on it (which requires the flailing of the wiimote as if you are beating a donkey) which may also cause friends to fly off of the edge and yell HE’S ASS RAPING ME! HE’S ASS RAPING ME! Good times. We also attempted to play Crystal Chronicles four players, but it required an intense network of gameboy advance hardware like the world has never seen. I also picked up a few demos like Forza and beat the remastered Double Dragon on LIVE after 500 continues. I thought they did well with it, unlike the Rush N Attack reprise that robs all seriousness from the game. I hope to start an ActRaiser code on my Wii later tonight and put in some more time into Odin Sphere, which is SO FUCKING PRETTY!!!
Grim:
Guitar Hero II, Mad Tracks, and Metal Slug 2 were probably the only games I played this week. Finals have caused me to avoid all other addictive games that can’t be played for short periods of time. The Halo 3 beta couldn’t have been released at a worse time for me.
gameboi:
I’ve been doing the Forza 2 thing, as well as messing around with Mario Party 8 (nothing serious, so don’t call it an affair).
Hamsa “CTZ” Aziz:
I beated The Suffering 2 Friday night. Everything about the game is awesome except for the weak ass endings. Seriously, Torque (main character) is going through all of this hell and we’re only given a 1 minute ending?! Oh, I’ve also, I can’t believe I’m admitting this, have gotten back into StarCraft. It’s so bad. I hate myself for it.
Chad Concelmo:
Rogue Galaxy and Mario Party 8 have pretty much been the only things I have gotten my hands on this week. Oh, and I saw Knocked Up. I know that has nothing to do with video games, but it is so f-in’ good that I thought it deserved mentioning.
Y tu?
(Editor’s Note: Nex panders to our Latino audience out of spite for our Alaskan audience.)
