I’ll totally get to these in 2016
2015 was a very weird year for me. Back in January I was just another blogger trying to be funny by making light of the industry we so love. When Jonathan Holmes first asked me to join the main page, I told him no saying that my fake news posts wouldn’t always be good. When he asked again, I said yes and then proved myself right by writing this.
Since becoming part of the staff I’ve nearly got Destructoid sued, definitely got us black-listed and started going by my real name (which apparently is a reason to like me less). It’s all sort of been worth it though; and while I still struggle to write like I work for a professional website while also writing like I don’t give a shit, the biggest challenge I’ve had to face since going pro has been actually playing the video games I buy.
I was excited when I got to vote for this year’s Game of the Year awards, only to realize I had to select from a list filled with more than a dozen games that were as foreign to me as the touch of sexy black man. I know as a writer for a video game website that I should try and play games from time to time that are not Splatoon and Rocket League, but… like come on guys, playing games is really hard. Isn’t just buying games, putting them on my shelf and saying that I’ll play them enough?
Anyway, instead of boring you with a post on why I think Her Story was the best game of last year, here’s a list of games I totally wanted to play, but couldn’t make time for in my busy schedule of doing nothing.
Lara Croft Go
Square-Enix’s Go series of games seems to be one of the best things the mobile platform has going for it. Hitman Go was a highlight of 2014 so there was no doubt in my mind that Lara Croft Go would have provided me with an equal amount of entertainment.
Why didn’t I play it?
So I was totally getting ready to download this, but then I remembered that Rita in Dexter once dressed up as Lara Croft so I had to log onto Netflix and watch that episode right then and there. When the episode was over I remembered how much I like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt so I bingewatched the entire series for a fourth time. After that I had completely forgotten that Lara Croft Go existed.
I should probably go download it right now while it’s fresh in my mind. Or, I can go watch Jessica Jones.
Fucking Netflix…
Citizens of Earth
Before there was Undertale, before there was YIIK, there was Citizens of Earth. This was supposed to be the spiritual successor to EarthBound we’d all be waiting for. It featured silly humor, bright colors, a modern setting and was being published by Atlus, which I love.
Why didn’t I play it?
Citizens of Earth is the ultimate “I’ll totally get it when it’s on sale” game. I no doubt said that exact phrase a dozen times throughout last year; but every time a sale on the game rolled around, I wouldn’t buy it. Part of the reason is I only had $4 in my eShop wallet and the game was always $4.99 and honestly who wants to spend just 99 cents on a credit card. The other part is I probably enjoyed the thought of me wanting to play the game more than me actually having the desire to play it.
But trust me I’ll totally buy it the next time it’s on sale.
Kirby & The Rainbow Curse
On the DS, Kirby Canvas Curse proved that a stylus controlled platformer could be just as fun and fulfilling as a regular platformer. I loved that little game, so when Kirby & The Rainbow Curse was announced, I got my money ready. It wasn’t just a return to that wonderful gameplay that got me excited; it was also the claymation art direction that made it look as though the game has been hand crafted by extremely talented third graders with access to an unlimited supply of Play-Doh. Oh yeah, I was ready for this game.
Why didn’t I play it?
I bought amiibo. That’s right, the money I had set aside for this most likely wonderful game was instead spent on little plastic toys. I don’t even remember which amiibo I purchased in place of this game. I don’t even know where they are. They’re either on my shelf or still in the packaging, stored under my bed. I have about 25 amiibo and have only used them in one game: Hyrule Warriors. I have no fucking clue why I keep buying these things, but you can bet your ass I’ll be spending my money on Bayonetta and Ryu amiibo when they’re released.
Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
I don’t think there was any more anticipated game this year than MGSV. We figured out early on that this would be the last game in the series to be made by Hideo Kojima. As such, in the weeks leading up to the release it felt like a swan song for the franchise. I was a huge fan of the first Metal Gear Solid; and while I didn’t play any other games in the series, I was very excited to give this one a try. Plus, it just looks gorgeous.
Why didn’t I play it?
So the weekend I was going to rent this and give it a go, Men.com released its first video starring JJ Knight. After about three hours of that I was too exhausted to do anything else for like five days afterwards.
Oddworld: New & Tasty!
When this game was first announced, and we were told that it would need to sell 500,000 copies in order to fund a new entry in the series, I pledged then and there that I would purchase this game at full price to show my support for Oddworld.
Why didn’t I play it?
Still waiting on that Wii U version. Yessiree I’m sure it’ll be released any day now. Any day. Yep, it’s totally still coming and hasn’t been quietly canceled so my waiting for this particular version of the game to play will not be in vain.
Bloodborne
Yes, I was happy when this game was named Destructoid’s Game of the Year for 2015, but not because I played it or anything. I was just happy because I have been waiting forever to take my first steps in the hauntingly beautiful world and seeing the love it received made me know the wait would be well worth it. I skipped out on both of the Dark Souls games as well as Demon Souls because I wasn’t sure if I would be a fan of the slow gameplay. But Bloodborne promised faster, more dodge-oriented combat. Coming off of the Bayonetta series, I was more than ready to give this game a go.
Why didn’t I play it?
I convinced my roommate to buy this game for the PS4 in its first month. We have a rule that either of us can play any video game the other owns so long as we’ve had a chance to play it first. That bag of dicks wouldn’t open this fucking game until DECEMBER 30! I asked him to open it. I begged him to open it. But no, sorry CJ we can’t open this game right now because we have to play nothing but Mortal Kombat X for the next five months.
I would be more upset, but MKX is a fucking outstanding fighting game.
Dementium Remastered
Back in the days of the DS and Wii, I would buy at least two games a week thanks to a good paying job and low rent (neither of which exist for me anymore). It would be very unlikely that I would play most of these games and extremely unlikely that I would finish any of them. One game that fell into the later category was Dementium: The Ward. While I was intrigued by the prospect of playing an FPS horror game on my DS Lite, I was turned off to it after the first hour or so due to the hand cramping controls. If only, eight years ago me thought, if only there was a way I could play this without using a stylus and touch screen.
Lo and behold, my prayers were answered last year with Dementium Remastered.
Why didn’t I play it?
Ew, play a game that got a 1? As if!
Stella Glow
If I were ever bored enough to write a ‘Best of 3DS’ list, there is no doubt in my mind that Fire Emblem Awakening would be placed near the top. It was the title that sealed my love for tactical role-playing games. Stella Glow, the last game from developer Imageepoch, immediately caught my eye when it was announced thanks to its colorful graphics and combat I was sure I could immerse myself in.
Why didn’t I play it?
Men.com released the second video featuring JJ Knight. Seriously, look at this guy.
How am I supposed to do anything else but watch this guy have sex? Do you really think some fucking chibi characters can compete with that smile? I don’t think so! Plus, wait until I tell you about his cock…
Dragon Quest Heroes: The World Tree’s Woe and the Blight Below
My love for the Dynasty Warriors hack-and-slash style of gameplay didn’t happen with my first attempt at the genre. Nor my second. Nor my third. Instead, it took the fourth game to feature that style of combat to get it to really click for me. That game was Hyrule Warriors. The formula, the setting, the characters, the story… it all came together for me in that one, life changing experience. That was the game that hooked me, and I saw Dragon Quest Heroes: Blah Blah Tree Something Below as the game that would feed my addiction.
Why didn’t I play it?
Oh my god, the controller is all the way over there. That’s like six feet away and this couch is so comfortable right now. What, the game isn’t a download? You mean I have to walk to two different places? Ugh, I wish someone would break into my apartment and just murder me right now because life is too hard.
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So there you have it, my shame of 2015. It’s a real tragedy too that i’ll never be able to play them because as you know it is illegal to play video games outside of their release year (Thanks Obama!). But I promise I won’t make the same mistake in 2016. You have my word that I fully intend to play Star Fox Zero, Street Fighter V, Dead or Alive Extreme 3 and Fire Emblem x Shin Megami Tensei… unless of course a third video featuring JJ Knight is released.
