STOP KNOCKING THINGS OFF THE TABLE, MITTENS
Cats are assholes. Everyone knows this. Why we keep them around I’ll never know. My roommate has a cat, and his favorite thing to do is sneak into my room when I’m asleep and lie horizontally across my face. He’ll jump up onto the coffee table, stare at me, and paw something off from it onto the floor. Unless I’m sleep-pooping again, I’m pretty sure he’s the one who’s been pooping in my bed 2-4 times a week.
Cats are assholes. Kitten’d is here to give us all the stress and anxiety of owning a cat, but in a hellish virtual reality nightmare!
So it’s a VR game where you have to look after an increasing amount of kittens with an increasing amount of hate in their hearts. You’ll keep them well-fed and well-groomed as they keep your house well-destroyed in a virtual playground of pain and misery. At the end of each level, you’re rated on the cats’ happiness — the happier they are, the more points you’ll earn to buy upgrades and outfits! But like any devious plot, therein lies a twist: You’re penalized for the cute little bastards making mincemeat of your once-beautiful abode. Keeping cats happy and preventing them from breaking your precious vase are goals which seem completely at odds with one another, but I guess that’s what makes it a game.
As if a goal-oriented mode where you must sate the feline bloodlust wasn’t nerve-wracking enough, there’s also a sandbox mode where you can pet cats and see your possessions destroyed at whim. Playing more like a Tamagotchi than a passive experience, the minions of hell will wreak havoc on legs, both wooden and flesh-bound, while you’re off playing other game modes. Or doing the dishes. Or trying to shower with the little fuckers meowing at the door until you let them in, and then meowing at the door again immediately after entering just for you to let them right back out. You have to keep tabs (more like tabbies lol!!!) on them to make sure they haven’t destroyed the world along with your furniture.
I think VR finally has its killer app.
Kitten’d is available now on PC, with a PlayStation VR port in the works. God help us all.
