It’s raining awards, hallelujah!
It’s that wonderful time of year again where I’m expected to sum up my thoughts on an entire year of videogames in one digestible list of what was objectively best and what I enjoyed subjectively in various categories. It’s time to take all the videogames I loved and pit them against one another, forcing them to fight to the death until one one comes out as an award winner.
You know what? Screw that! Everything I loved is getting an award this year, even if it’s horribly flawed and objectively worse than something else it would normally be up against. These are my Game of the Year picks, all my weird tastes are getting the awards they deserve. Let’s do this, these awards are totes legit.
Best Conversations I Understood the Nuances of: The Fall
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which basically means I’m terrible at reading into the nuances of conversational tone, second meanings in phrases and facial expressions. I can do all of those things, it just takes a lot more effort than I would like to invest when gaming. The Fall is a narrative-rich videogame about AI who speak very directly with each other, have understandable motivations and conversational restrictions, and who are ruled by surface-level visible desires.
I didn’t know going in, but The Fall is exactly what I wanted in a videogame narrative; it’s a game that I can enjoy on that level without having to think too much. That’s rare in games, and I really appreciate that. Oh, and it’s a kick-ass non-linear puzzle exploration horror title set in an abandoned facility roamed by deadly robots. That’s pretty cool.
Best Game My Girlfriend and I Could Enjoy Together: Broken Age: Act 1
My girlfriend and I don’t often get to play through videogames together. She gets motion sick when controlling 3D cameras, her level of videogame core literacy is weaker than my own (unsurprisingly, considering I write about games for a living), and I typically have to rush through games for work too quickly to share the experience with her. Broken Age: Act 1 was the one title this year which was different.
Broken Age: Act 1 had a set camera angle, simple controls, and a story that really benefits from going through more than once and discussing with a friend. It ended on such a gripping, world-changing, cliffhanger conclusion that changed so much of the narrative in hindsight, I was more than happy to watch her replay the experience, help her when stuck, and be there to discuss the ending with her once she finished.
It’s a fantastically written, funny, and engrossing experience that my less videogame-oriented partner and I were able to bond over. That deserves an award of some sort.
Best Video Game Branded Product: Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare – Monster Assualt Energy: The Drink
I’m pretty sure the title alone explains why this drink won the award.
Best Game for Making Me Smile Uncontrollably: Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker
Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker, which is somehow still not officially released in the UK despite our primary games retailer putting it on sale weeks ago, has been a source of smiles and joy for the last couple of weeks for me. You play as a smiling, defenseless mushroom man who is terrified by everything around him, but soldiers onward for minimal recognition. It’s an adorable way to flesh out one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s least appreciated heroes, and I really want to see him in the next Smash Bros.
I am serious, I want to see a Smash Bros. fighter who can’t jump and is terrified of everyone around him. If they can make the Wii Fit Trainer combat ready, why not Captain Toad? Yeah, Treasure Tracker is pretty damn adorable.
Best Game That Made Me Feel Empowered Like a Goddess: Bayonetta 2
Could this award have gone to anything else? No, it could not. Sure the Bayonetta games make heavy use of the male gaze, and at points, reinforce the objectification of women. Sure, the largely male creative team has a lot of control over the agency we apply to Bayonetta as a character, but honestly, I do not care.
For me, all of the obvious and real negatives present in the game are outweighed by how flawless the presentation and combat are. That, and the fact that by god does playing as Bayonetta make me feel like I could do anything. It may be misplaced agency, but Bayonetta is the only character to remind me how I felt aspiring to being as powerful as Super Saiyan 4 Goku as a child. It’s rare that a female character in media is given the kind of awe-inspiring power that I find my inner-child fantasizing about fighting people as them. Bayonetta 2 is not perfect, but it made me feel like I could rip the planet in half if I so chose, which is pretty cool.
Best Fish Sex Simulator: Coming Out On Top
Coming Out On Top is a male gay dating sim full of innuendo, awkward situations, masturbation sound effects, and pictures of dicks. There are really not enough dicks in videogames. What I thought would just be a fun chance to giggle at seeing dicks became something so much more impressive when I discovered that one of my in-game options was to date a goldfish. I was shocked, yet intrigued, so I wandered into uncertain territory.
I won’t spoil the ins and outs of the relationship, but dating a gigantic human-sized goldfish and fucking its brains out might have been the greatest moment of my year. Seriously, it was damn sexy.
And there you have it, my top games this year. Shovel Knight was also pretty awesome and lacking in flaws, but it struggles to stand up against the likes of fish sex. Hopefully 2015 has a little more of that fish sex action in store.
