Silly Superlatives: The Sequel!
[He’s at it again! Last year Luca Blight wrote his 2016 blog for excellence in stupidity, making it one of my favorite GOTY blogs ever. This year, he’s written a follow-up, making this one of my new favorite year-end traditions. Join him as he doles out awards for the bizarre and arcane acts of 2017! And if you think something got snubbed for one of his awards, feel free to disagree in the comments. Personally, I think I got snubbed for best Destructoider. I’ll get you one day, MATT DAMON! – Wes]
Note: Minor spoilers in the blog.
It’s back! And just like any Ubisoft game there’s always a sequel – and boy did we have a bizarre year. Hollywood couldn’t keep their hands in their own pockets, and is aiming for the lowest record of attendees for the Oscars. The land of the free tried their hand in making the internet not free, and we’ve been taken over by our Canadian overlords. But hey at least the games were great this year. Nintendo had one of the best launch years of all time for the Switch with big hitter games and strong third-party support, Sony released quality games throughout the year to compete with Nintendo, and Microsoft tried their best.
Here at Luca Blight’s Awards I like to give out some bizarre awards that you most likely won’t see in any other game awards roundup because for some reason the world seems unaccepting of a mass genocide warlord hosting an award ceremony. But nevertheless the show must go on, so let’s begin.
Best Game I’ve Never Played: Mass Effect Andromeda
Okay bear with me for a sec: The game is here not because it’s good or bad; it’s here only for the animations, which instantly upgrade it to one of funniest games of the year. Here’s some favourite gifs created by this game. My theory to explain the animations is that the people in our galaxy were fed up with all the ugly people and decided to send them all to an unknown galaxy far away.
Runners-up:
- NieR: Automata
- Cuphead
- The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
- Super Mario Odyssey
New Feature That Should be in Every Game: Majima Everywhere (Yakuza Kiwami)
I don’t care what context you need, I want to have a Pokémon battle with Majima or fight him in space. We already got Majima in a zombie apocalypse before so anything is possible.
Back with Vengeance: The High Road (Crash N-sane Trilogy)
No one comes back from The High Road unscathed. I swear it gotten worse since the original. I swear to god some of the jumps are impossible in this level unless you use the rope exploit to cross the gaps. And to make things worse the sick fuckers added a time trial which expects you to speed run the level. The amount of times I died trying to get the gold relic all while hearing W O A H every fucking time I died. I swear the word W O A H has been imprinted into my fucking brain.
Runners-up:
- Dragon’s Dogma: The Reaper
- Final Fantasy XII: Yiazmat
Yay It’s Good Again: Sonic
After Sonic Boom things weren’t looking good for little blue guy. But when I saw Sonic Mania and all the great reviews and praise it was getting, I was excited to play it. I don’t often say this about a Sonic game but damn is this a good game. The music is so good, the stages are all unique and fun – I say the game is on par with, or even better than, the originals. After playing this game things are looking great for Sonic…
Oh Dear It’s Bad Again: Sonic
Press the buttons to throw your own son off the cliff to spawn seven fighting games to explain why he did it.
Best Girl: Yusuke
It’s over. It’s been decided. The best girl is chosen so you can all pack your bags and go home because you’ve chosen the wrong girl. However if you’re one of those who’s chosen wisely you can hop in bed with me because you’re one of the cool kids now.
Runner-up:
- None because they’re all smelly and covered with cooties.
Honestly Makoto Nijima is the best girl but don’t tell anyone okay? Shhhhh.
Biggest Ham: The Baker Family (Resident Evil 7)
The Baker family seems to taken the Sawyer school of acting and it shows: Jack taking Ethan for a ride and grabbing a hedge cutter chainsaw all while saying, “Groovy,” Marguerite screaming about not eating food and telling people to get the fuck out, and Lucas’ playful attitude with booby trapping everything. It’s one of the biggest charms of the game.
Runners-up:
- Strawberry Milkshake Nazi (Wolfenstein II)
- Edward Kelley (Nioh)
Biggest Prick: Irene Engel and the Nazis (Wolfenstein II)
Well she is a Nazi which automatically makes her the winner, but even ignoring the Nazi part she still is a mega prick. Even in the previous game she was still a turbo prick. Her prickish lackeys helps show how much of a prick she really is. She even gives me a run for the money.
Runners-up:
- Lucas (RE7)
- Nearly everyone worthy of a change of heart in Persona 5
- Glinthawks (Horizon Zero Dawn)
Best Employee: Nugget (Yakuza 0)
Nugget is a turkey chicken that is able to manage many districts all while making a shit ton of money in the meantime. Nugget proves that chickens can be great workers, too, breaking the social norm of chickens worldwide.
Biggest Badass: Joe Baker (Resident Evil 7)
Joe Baker takes no shit from anyone or anything. A wall in the way? He punches it! Monsters filled with dangerous viruses? He rips it apart with his bare hands! A 7-foot monster that’s been killing heavily armed soldiers? He powerbombs the bastard! I like to point out that Joe has no super powers and this was all done with his own strength.
Runners-up:
- Gael (Dark Souls III DLC)
- BJ Blazkowicz (Wolfenstein II)
- Kazuma Kiryu (Yakuza)
You Tried Award: EA
I sure you can pretty much guess why they’re since they all over the news so I’ll make it short. Bad EA bad! Go to your room and think on what you did.
Character Most Likely to Appear in a Saturday Morning Cartoon: Edward Kelly (Nioh)
I don’t know how you can make a character even more obviously evil. He’s got red eyes, wears black, tattoos all over his body, and to top it all off he also has an evil laugh making him fit in with the likes of Skeletor. I can imagine a cartoon where William and friends must travel Japan to gather the powers of the guardian spirits to defeat Edward Kelly.
Tastiest Plot Device: Pancakes
I’m not going to spoil anything but pancakes are delicious and they’re so easy to make for someone like me who still burns toast and humans.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT: Gravity Rush 2
When I played Gravity Rush 2 the last thing I expected was something heading straight into my nightmares.
Runners-up:
- Marguerite (RE 7)
- My Persona 5 play time.
Best Destructoider: MATT DAMON
Again he won this award and I don’t know how he’s doing this. Maybe it’s his way with words?
Runners-up:
- MATT DAMON
- MATT DAMON
- MATT DAMON
- Mark Wahlberg
Luca Blight’s Game of the Year:
First off the runners-up:
- Gravity Rush 2
- Sonic Mania
- Resident Evil 7
- Uncharted: Lost Legacy
- Tekken 7
- Wolfenstein II
- Persona 5
- Nioh
And the winner is…(Imagine a drum roll here please)
It was tough deciding a winner between Yakuza 0, Nioh, and Persona 5, but I decided that Yakuza wins just by a margin because of its blend of everything. It has a mixture of great characters, bone-shattering fun gameplay, humour, story, tons of minigames, Nugget, lovable charm, and it includes Outrun which is one my favourite arcade games of all time. It’s also a great game to start off the series if you’re thinking of getting into them. Also, karaoke is a sight to behold.
And that’s it for this year! Things are looking up for next year with the release of Monster Hunter World next month. I wish you all a happy Christmas and a happy New Year. I’m not good at finishing blogs, so get lost. Daddy needs his booze.
