This is a question that has been on my mind lately, and I feel I should bring it up with the readers in order to see if I’m off-base here. Basically, should people who like the GameCube go to Hell? Now bear in mind, this is not about whether or not there is a Hell. Let’s assume that, for the purposes of discussion, that Hell is real. With that in mind, do GameCube owners belong there?
There are many arguments in favor of GameCube owners going to a very literal and palpable Hell, where the fires burn forever and the worm never dies. Here are some of the most compelling:
- It has never been disproved that the GameCube is a Hellraiser Puzzle Box.
- It comes from Japan, where they practice the blasphemous Shinto (It’s something about pandas having sex with ghosts I think).
- StarFox Adventures caused thousands of people to have a wank over a picture of a blue fox.
- Cel-shaded Zelda.
- Luigi’s Mansion was about spirits and the occult, which is an abomination.
- Not enough of them bought Donkey Konga, killing the greatest peripheral Nintendo’s ever made.
- They’re probably bad people.
Very tough arguments, I think you’ll agree. So what do you reckon? Should they go to Hell? Depending on your answer, I may ask people at the next PAX whether or not they’ve got a GameCube at home and cut them with a razor should they say yes.
