HaHAhaHAhaHA HAA HAA!
Woody Woodpecker is how the Gods of Animation punished humankind for creating anime. I will never understand the appeal of centering an entire property around a character deliberately created to be annoying. He’s like Bugs Bunny, except you never feel the need to root for him. No, he’s more like Batman’s Joker, but you replace all the charisma with just a second heaping of insane malice. I hate him so much.
So, I bought a game that headlines him. It’s 2000’s Woody Woodpecker Racing for PS1 and Windows. I bought this specifically so I could remind my brain that it’s trapped here in this hell with me. However, it kind of seems like the developers weren’t exactly fans either, since that blasted Woodpecker isn’t my biggest complaint with the game.
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If you’re not familiar with Woody Woodpecker, I’ll try to explain him to you. He’s the most annoying creature on the planet. Most of his cartoons involve him pestering someone until they’re provoked to violence. I’m certain that one of his creators was roused at 5 a.m. by a woodpecker outside their window and just said, “I’m going to make this everyone’s problem.”
If Wally Walrus was just trying to eat his breakfast at his favorite diner, Woody Woodpecker would come in, set the jukebox to play MMMBop indefinitely, then lock himself in the women’s bathroom. Wally would eventually get up and unplug the jukebox, but whenever he’d go and sit back down, Woody would just burst out and plug it back in, continuing the onslaught of Hanson. The Walrus would eventually get fed up, kick down the bathroom door, and get beaten up by some old woman and called a pervert before being thrown out of the diner. And, I don’t know, you’re supposed to root for Woody because he represents the insane lust for chaos that exists deep within our souls. Like, fuck that Walrus for wanting to enjoy breakfast at his favorite spot.
He’s just a massive dick. At least for Bugs Bunny cartoons, the people he’s harassing are worse than he is. Meanwhile, Woody Woodpecker’s catchphrase is just derisive laughter played to a melody more vexing than what could ever be conjured in the worst nightmares of the Hanson brothers. It was no doubt created so children would imitate it to annoy their parents and start fights on the schoolyard.
HUHUHUHUHUHUHU!
Mercifully, you don’t need to be familiar with the Woody Woodpecker cartoons to understand what’s going on in Woody Woodpecker Racing. No, it’s the common story of a company being too lazy to figure out an inventive way for their property to fit into the medium of video games, so they have someone make Mario Kart, but replace the characters with their own.
That’s it. There’s a “Quest” mode, but it doesn’t have any cutscenes or storyline. You don’t even really have to hear that much of the Woodpecker’s piercing voice. I was concerned that this would have the audio design of an actual Mario Kart and the soundtrack would always be drowned out by a cacophony of cartoonish screams, but that really doesn’t happen. You can select Chilly Willy and hear very little dialogue at all.
I’ve never been so relieved to be left with what is essentially just a generic karter. I mean, it’s really not that great, but it was bracing for a painful woodpecker-centric experience. My expectations couldn’t possibly be much lower, so the pain I received instead is much more appreciated.
HaHAhaHAhaHA HAA HAA!
If there’s one place that Woody Woodpecker Racing tries to differentiate itself from its contemporaries, it’s in its range of vehicles. You have open-wheeled “Racers,” stock cars, monster trucks, and jalopies. They all control exactly the same, as far as I can tell. I guess the visual variety is appreciated.
There are 16 tracks that take you all over the world, and they’re… y’know, fine. They’re mostly just variations of circles, but again, let’s not diminish the importance of variation.
The weapons all suck. Most of them are just projectiles or mines. There’s a boost, of course. Then there’s a stopwatch that just slows down everyone else. That’s sort of like the lightning bolt from Mario Kart but lazier.
Of course, none of that matters because Woody Woodpecker Racing has some of the most heinous rubber-band AI I have ever encountered.
HaHAhaHAhaHA HAA HAA!
If you’re not familiar, rubber-band AI is the mechanic wherein the people losing in a competition are given a slight boost or other advantages that allow them to keep pace. The further someone falls behind, the more they are assisted by the system. It’s employed in sports games, but it’s extremely prevalent in racing games going all the way back to when they started. There are probably more racers that employ rubber-band AI than ones that don’t. The trick is to sort of disguise it. Otherwise, it can feel unfair.
I can name some titles that benefitted from having rubber-band AI and others that suck because of it. Woody Woodpecker Racing sucks because of it.
It’s so bad that I felt most races are won due largely to luck rather than any sort of skill. The system is very focused in keeping racers in a pack so they can lay into each other, even though the combat sucks out loud. This means that someone is always on your ass, and you’re one slight miscalculation away from them gaining a lead. However, they don’t even rely on that. The pull of the rubber band means they can gain more speed than you, so your time in first place is always limited by how long it takes them to catch up. It’s inevitable; you will be passed. And I can’t imagine a worse punishment for doing well.
HUHUHUHUHUHUHU!
The worst part about all of this is that the save system failed me. I was working my way through quest mode but got frustrated by all the rubber-banding, so I saved and put it away for a while. When I came back, I found most of my progress was gone. I started from some track way earlier in the quest. So, I took my lumps and pushed through again before I was interrupted in the final race. I had made damned sure that saving was successful each time I did it throughout my progress. However, when I returned, I was back on that same damned track.
I know that the game did save, though. All the characters I had unlocked along the way were available. However, it was still keen on starting me way back near the beginning of the entire game. If I had any intention on finishing the game entirely, it was gone right there.
The best thing I can say about Woody Woodpecker Racing is that you don’t have to deal with Woody much. There’s none of his antics. You don’t have to sit through any cutscenes where he cuts people’s brake lines and then plays the victim when they get perturbed about his attempted murder. He’s just there.
On the other hand, Woody Woodpecker Racing was part of a period of gaming that was absolutely turgid with kart racers. This one is pretty distantly behind Mario Kart 64, Diddy Adventure Racing, and Crash Team Racing. For that matter, even Mickey’s Speedway USA can barely see it in the rear-view mirror. And there, I just named four kart racers from the same period that are better than it, and didn’t even have to make any deep cuts. Plus, all those games I just named don’t involve any red-crested woodpeckers.
It’s certainly not the worst kart-racing game I’ve ever played, but this one is made worse by the woodpecker-shaped anchor it’s chained to.
